Yep, I’m admitting it. There are moments, days and even weeks that I feel like I will go off at any moment. Tick tick tick. . . 💣
Generally I’m viewed as having a pretty type A personality. I live for plans, sticking to plans, and always having a back up plan ready to go. I make lists, have binders sectioned for this gathering and that, I constantly write notes to myself to remind me of what I need to do or focus on. & when my fuse gets lit; WATCH OUT!
I do have a slight spontaneous side but that’s only when the stars align and I have no other plan set in stone. 🤷♀️ I’m going to guess that some times this can drive my friends/family crazy but they still love me & know when push comes to shove I will get shit done while implementing plan A, B, or C.
The last few weeks were crazy & hectic in my life and generally I live for the busy days and chaotic nights with full agendas. Buttttt mix that with other outside stressors, my never ending battle with insomnia, a flare in my RA, some built up anxieties (none of which were apart of the grand plan) & a head cold to top it off (yes, I was instantly tested for COVID & isolated while waiting for the result & it came back NEGATIVE!😷) and we have a BOMB; ready to explode at any given moment.
So what happened?!? I self destructed. Much like schrapnel, my thoughts and feelings were scattered into a million pieces all over my plans. My daily goals were covered in ash and bomb fragments. My meal plans and nutrition journal were on fire. My mental check in’s with myself didn’t have a timer left to help me monitor it all. I set off the detonator and left a horrific scene for innocent bystanders.
I even had to call in my bomb squad to help me put all the pieces back together again. 💣
But . . . I survived. I survived the bombing attempt on every thing I have worked towards because I have an amazing bomb squad supporting me all day, every day. I survived because I knew the blast wouldn’t take away how far I have come. I survived because while the bomb may have destroyed the building it didn’t take away the work & knowledge I had put into that building. I survived because no army can blow away the heart that still beats inside of me with determination & resilience.
So today I am refocusing and starting my plans from scratch. I will rebuild on the foundation I nearly let crumble. & you know what?! It’ll all be okay.
I am writing this to remind anyone,and even more so myself, that an explosion of plans isn’t the worst thing to happen and it will happen again but we can rise from the ashes and build an even taller, more beautiful sky scraper. We can take the bomb squad who so graciously helped pick up those pieces and let them continue to be apart of the very construction crew who will put us back in front of the blue prints we long to rebuild. You don’t have to rebuild alone.
It has taken me a lifetime to let those people, who I hope consider me apart of their bomb squad and construction crew, become a apart of mine. I used to try to rebuild it all on my own but I have come to accept my foundation wasn’t and would never be strong enough without the support beams in place.
To those rare, beautiful, intelligent and kind souls I owe the most beautiful piece of architecture ever built. & for them & myself I will never stop working towards the ultimate skyscraper. . One with a few dents and chipped glass to show the character and imperfections that will make it stand the test of time.