March 12th, 2018

Let’s talk about confidence for a minute.

I have always been a rather confident person. Size has never hindered me from knowing at the end of the day I am happy with who I am and my heart. Confidence comes from so much more than that number on the scale.

I have always been bigger than everyone else. It has never been something I was blind to. I was the fat friend, the big boned cheerleader, the heavy girl in the classroom; I have also always tried to be kind, have compassion, be a good friend, and love whole heartedly. I believe those attributes are more important to my confidence than any weight on my body could ever be.

I was made fun of when I was growing up. My half brother referred to me as “whale, elephant, fat ass.” I heard whispers about my size and laughter aimed at me. Even as an adult. I was not blind nor unaware that my weight was a joke for some people and a good laugh for others. These people didn’t much matter to me.

While some days it was and still is hard to know I’ve been made fun of for my weight before people take the time to get to know me I have never let them win. They still haven’t won. I chose to take on this weight loss journey for myself. I want to be around to see my nieces and nephews grow up and annoy my husband for the next fifty years. I want to explore and travel without worrying if I will fit into the seat on the place or if I can keep up with everyone else. This was a choice I made for my health and my future.

Those who have made side comments or laughed with their friends about me: I forgive them. I forgive them because they clearly have felt an emptiness within themselves to have the desire to make someone feel less of a person because of their weight. I feel sorry for them that they will never understand that just because of a high number on a scale does not mean someone lacks confidence in the strong, ever changing person they are. I wish for them that people never make fun of them because they are clearly not strong enough to handle that.  And above all I hope they find their confidence in this lifetime to know that they are more than how they look.

I am not saying I am perfect. I have days where I pick myself and my looks a part. Days where nothing seems to fit right and I’m uncomfortable in my own skin. My face breaks out and it drives me crazy. I see pictures and can tell you every flaw I have on the outside. . but I am so proud of who I am and I take pride in how I look.

Every day I wake up and put my makeup on and do my hair and always try to dress well. I don’t do these things for anyone else. I do them for myself. I like to feel put together and ready to take on the world, or whatever comes my way that day. Confidence is all about loving who you are, not worrying about making other people love you.

While I am enjoying this weight loss journey  and shrinking is something new to me I still have the same heart. I am sensitive and hardened. I am loud and so quiet it can be deafening. I am happy and I am broken. I am full of love and empty. I am funny and I am intense. I am a million different words in a million different languages. The unrivaled part is that regardless of the number on the scale I am still me. . . Desiree Angelica.