March 20th, 2018

I’ve said it before and I’ll forever say it; some days this journey is HARD. Most days it is rewarding and I find the good in my decision. I have been blessed with support and love. I have worked hard all of my life to love myself despite my flaws. . Yet, some days my mind gets the best of me.

Today and the last few days have been those days. I have struggled with not being able to eat what I want. While I know realistically I could probably eat what I wanted I know I did not choose this journey to go back to a lifestyle that was unbelievably unhealthy. So it’s a constant battle with myself to make the healthy choices.

I have struggled with looking in the mirror and seeing a person who is not almost four hundred pounds. Some days I do not see a difference in myself and I internally fight to recognize how far I have come in the last year.

I struggle to continue to talk about my story to help others some days because let’s be real here, no one wants to be judged or talked about. Some will never agree with my decision. Some will forever say I took the easy way out or am not losing the weight “naturally.” (Whatever the hell that ever means.)

All of my life I have battled anxiety and depression. I am an over thinker and over analyzer in the truest form of the words. I think and rethink about every choice I make and every action I complete. Some days, unfortunately, my anxiety wins and I get lost inside my own mind. This is a war I will forever fight for myself.

I’m telling you this because not all days are rainbows and butterflies, as they say. Some days I get angry at myself that I let myself become heavy enough that surgery had to be my option. I get sad that I didn’t recognize the problem before I had to choose I major surgery to correct my life of unhealthy choices. I mourn because I am no longer that person and I am shedding the layers of fat that I used as armor, as messed up as that may sound; that is my truth.

Please believe me when I say this is NOT and will NEVER be the easy way out. I can no longer turn to food for my comfort. I can no longer hide behind the armor I used to shield myself. I have to face every truth I buried inside for so long.

However, I am more proud of myself now than I have ever been and that makes me the winner of the war. I am proud of my determination and dedication. I am proud that I was able to recognize that I had a problem and it needed to be fixed. And I am proud of the friends and family I have that stand beside me, loving and encouraging me on my darkest days.

While the last few days have been a mental struggle for me, I still have not regretted my choice. Some one recently asked me what the hardest part of this journey is and the raw and real truth of it is the constant battle you will mentally have with yourself to love your self and to be proud of the successes along the way. The emotional struggle of mourning your old life and rejoicing in your new health and happiness. This will be your greatest battle and most fulfilling win.

if ANYONE has any questions or anything they would like to know more about and would like me to write about with my personal journey please feel free to ask. I will be as real and as raw as I can.

Some days the road may be bumpy but it’s a beautiful ride when you stop to enjoy the view. ❤️

Current weight: 285

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