insomniac, poetry, vertical sleeve gasrectomy, vsg

Let Me Sleep If and When I Can; Please and Thank You

Rest. Relax. Recharge. SLEEEEEEEEPPPPP. 😴

I know I have wrote about this a little previously but here we are again because lately it has been a bigger part of my life then other times (& partially why I haven’t written a blog in some time.) Let me explain a little. . .

I have always struggled and dealt with insomnia. I can not remember an age that I was a “good” sleeper. . although I LOVE SLEEP; especially naps!! Give me an afternoon when I can crawl back in bed, with the sun shinning in the window and I’m there for it. . but going to bed early or sleeping through the night has never really been my specialty.

There have been days, weeks and months that I have survived on 2-4 hours of a sleep a night.  Somehow, by the grace of energy drinks and prayers, I have survived it without ending up in an orange jumpsuit or just totally losing my shit. It’s not always easy though and certainly being tired most of the time is never ideal but for so long I have managed because I just have to. & Yes, I have been on many different medicines over the last ten or so years to try to control my sleepless nights but I prefer to only take over the counter sleep aids or benedryl when I need it. Most of the other meds made me feel like a zombie the next morning and that’s not any better than just not sleeping and being tired, for me. I have also been to therapy to learn to deal with anxieties and PTSD that do cause me to have a difficult time with sleeping at night. Unfortunately insomnia will probably always be a part of my life at some points; I have accepted this and will live with it.🤷‍♀️

at least snap chat is always there for me on those sleep less nights. 🤣

Many people have said how they aren’t sure how I have functioned all these years with long periods of insomnia and struggling with getting restful sleep but like any thing else I simply deal with it and move on. Being angry and frustrated about it has never changed it. Honestly it can make it worse for me if I focus too much energy on it. When sleepless nights come I watch TV, read, write, clean or just lay in bed and rest as much as I can and hope for more sleep the following night.

One of my biggest struggles with sleepless nights is avoiding snacking/eating all night cause when the rest of the world is sleeping and you’re bored; you mindlessly eat, right? I used to. . now i just try to fill my time with anything but. . some times that even includes exercising at random hours as opposed to my normal 4am work outs. My best advice if you struggle with insomnia; stay focused on whatever you can so you don’t mindlessly eat or load up on sugar to stay awake the next day. Some days I can’t win the small battle and I eat in the middle of the night or have some thing sugary to get me through the next day. . I’m human and life is all about balance.

And with all this balance comes the period of time where I sleep way more than usual and that is the now for me. Yes, I do take advantage of these times as much as I can. Some times that means calling it an evening at 7pm and crawling in bed. Other days that means I lay in bed til 9am or take an afternoon nap when I can. I used to feel guilty about that because there is always some thing to be done, but now I see it as taking care of myself so I can give the best version of myself to myself and those around me. I am very fortunate that my husband is wonderful about almost everything (don’t tell him I’m admitting that🤣) so he knows when I am sleeping it is totally DO NOT DISTURB time. Unless the roof is blowing off the house or it’s an emergency he lets me sleep and doesn’t make me feel too guilty about it, most of the time. 🙄

I normally do not have a happy medium of sleep. I either sleep too little or too much, it seems. But I will simply take it as it comes and deal with it when it doesn’t. My body will tell me when I need it and I’ve had to learn to listen. Having an autoimmune disease that is worse with little sleep down right sucks, so I still do get frustrated when I’m hurting and just want to sleep but can’t. . I apologize to anyone who is around me on those days; I know it’s not always pleasant! 🤦‍♀️

I have definitely noticed that since my VSG surgery, working out at the crack of down (some times twice a day), as well as eating a much healthier diet & being in a happier place in my life that I do get a more restful sleep and the insomnia periods don’t seem to come in as long of stretches as they used to. Just another wonderful reason to be so thankful I took the step to have a healthier, happier life! ♥️

Tick tock. Tick Tock.

Another night I lay in bed listening to the clock.

Time is passing yet standing still.

It’s too late for another sleeping pill.

TV on for a bit; then turn it off again.

My mind is racing; solving the worlds problems but where do I begin?

Right side. Left side. Stomach then Back.

I’m losing my patience, I’m about to crack.

Read a few pages and then close the book.

Beaming light from the alarm clock but I don’t even want to look.

Words filling pages as I scribble out my random thoughts.

My chest tightens with anxiety & my stomach is in knots.

Sleep avoids me until 2 a.m.

My alarm jerks me awake just two hours later & here we go again.

Tick tock. Tick tock.

Another day watching the clock.

-Desiree Angelica

3 thoughts on “Let Me Sleep If and When I Can; Please and Thank You”

  1. Just found your blog. I had VSG a few years ago and I too struggle with INSANE insomnia. I know that mine is from my prophylactic hysterectomy in 2013, and I cannot be on any hormones, so yay menopause. I’m going to follow you – eeek that sounds spammy, sorry. But I just did a search of VSG and you came up. 🙂


      1. LOL! I’m a lover of the search bar for tags to find blogs of people I can relate to! I’m almost 2 years – October 2017 – I’ve gained a bit bc I can’t stop eating chocolate. Blergh


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