Trapped; In My Own Body.

I hurt, all over. My body hurts. Yes, my entire body. No, it’s not an exaggeration. No, I’m not being dramatic.

This is my reality.

& while I don’t feel like I should have to explain myself (or anyone fighting this kind of war with theirselves should have to explain it to another) if I can help one person not necessarily understand but just accept that this is the reality for some then speaking my truth will forever be worth it. . So here we gooooo. . .

I have a more than handful of health issues. That is no secret. Never has been. From being diagnosed with asthma at three years old, to having to have my gallbladder removed at eighteen, to passing over 50+ kidney stones in the last fourteen years, to being thirty two and living with several autoimmune diseases. This is my life. My reality. & some days my own personal hell.

I’m not going to go into every detail of what I personally deal with because it’s long, drawn out and not my intent with this post but what I am going to dive into is how hurtful, painful and frustrating life can be when you’re trapped inside a body that feels like it’s crumbling beneath you when all you want is a normal day or even a normal few hours.

• Telling me I’m always sick; isn’t fucking helpful. I know I’m sick; every minute of every day. 🤦‍♀️
• asking me “what’s wrong with you now?!” will absolutely make me want to throat punch you. 👊
• Telling me about this diet, that treatment, this exercise is surely a way to get a fabulous eye roll. 🙄
• Treating me like I’m frag-ill-eeeee with most certainly warrant me being angry. 🤬
• Statements such as “but you’re so young!” “You’re ONLY 32.” & the ever famous “but you don’t look sick” will absolutely assure that I exit the conversation. 👋
• Making me feel guilty for canceling plans, yet again, isn’t going to change that I HAVE to cancel plans, yet again. & it certainly won’t change the fact that I already feel like a shitty human. 🥲

Do you catch my drift? I know I’m living an abnormal life ( by whatever standards have been set by whomever set them.🙄) from what you or me may have pictured.

I am 100% aware that I should not feel like every bone in my body is breaking every moment of every single fucking day.

I am aware that your friend, relative, or some far away fairy has the cure all that I should absolutely try. (I’ve tried it ALL, trust me)

I am aware that sometimes, because of my diseases/illnesses/issues, I am a shitty friend/person/human.

I am aware that I’m not always reliable, dependable or a constant in your life because I can’t even be those things for me.

I am aware that it truly, madly, fucking deeply SUCKS. I don’t need a reminder.

What I do NEED, wish for, & pray for, is understanding, acceptance, grace, humility & love.

This is NOT the life I imagined. Certainly not the life I dreamt of. Nor the life I chose. But it is mine. & I promise. . . I’m doing the absolute best I can.