Yes, I live happily with Anxiety and PTSD. It is possible.

“Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.” I repeat this to myself many times a day.

“Calm down” I tell myself. “Quit being irrational, quit over thinking, STOP analyzing every detail of what you said or they said or you should have said. . . “

I regurgitate these words so much that they spill out like I’m reciting my favorite poem for the millionth time.

Living in a mind full of anxiety is like living in a maze, yet there is no correct way out. No matter which turn you make at every corner you will be led back to the feeling of your heart racing and your mind going off in so many directions. You can’t quite pick out which direction to focus on. You don’t know which problem to solve, nor can you make sense of which ones are true problems and which ones you are over analyzing and creating the problems.

I’ve mentioned this in past blog entries; I have had anxiety for as long as I can remember.

I can recall sitting in my bedroom when I was in Mrs. Grattan’s second grade class, and I was on the edge of my white bunk beds, sobbing in the middle of the night. . . Why?! because I was worried I hadn’t done my homework correctly. I was terrified I would be scolded or yelled at for not getting the answers right. Now, I was a fairly smart kid. I always had good grades and always loved my teachers but the anxiety would creep in and I would spend countless hours crying and worrying that I would disappoint someone. That I was a disappointment.

I still (& probably always will) spend countless hours over analyzing conversations I’ve had, past and present. I will think and rethink about events that have taken place. I’ll read messages and comments over a thousand times looking for some deeper meaning behind them when truly I should just take them for face value. I’ll type a message, read it over and over, then delete it because I don’t want to be a bother. My mind will probably always be an exhausting place to be. This is me, though. This is how I’m wired and that is more than okay. It has made me the person I am now. & when the anxiety isn’t fighting me, I truly love who and where I am.

Over the years that I have struggled with anxiety, as well as post traumatic stress disorder, I have sought help. I went through therapy and have taken medication when I’ve needed it. I have learned strategies to cope and forgave those I needed to. However, anxiety isn’t something we are ever completely cured of. This is a battle I will forever fight in my own mind. A never ending war.

I am certainly blessed that I have always been surrounded by people who accept me and all my anxiety induced quirks. The reassurance they give me that I am not a bother, that they love me and aren’t going to leave me, the reminders that they are proud of me. I couldn’t be more appreciative and thankful for that.

My point to this and the reason for writing about this in regards to my weight loss is simply that we are ALL fighting battles most know nothing about. While I have always been a confident person, for the most part, my anxiety and weight has always been in my head. I fear failing at this journey, still. I have the irrational thoughts that I’m still the person I was a year ago. I sometimes look in the mirror and do not see who I am now but who I used to be. That person was not a bad person, but she was not truly happy or healthy. I have days that I still wonder if this was the right decision for me. I have moments where I worry that sharing this with everyone wasn’t the best idea because I am sharing one of the most trying, emotionally charged, hardest battles I have ever fought. And by sharing it with everyone I open the door for judgements, negative comments, laughter, and so much more.

But after the anxiety passes; I remember why I am sharing this & who I am now. I share all of this for a whole list of reasons. . Inspiration, understanding, accountability, honesty, etc. And through this journey I have found strength I forgot I had, a smile that was fading beneath layers and years of harming myself, laughter at the joys in life instead of making jokes about the weight I was carrying, and love from those around me and for those around me.

Recently I sent my best friend the comparison of myself a year ago and myself this past weekend. ( see picture below) Her reply was something like “I don’t ever remember seeing you like that. I guess I never saw your weight.” This comment hit home for me. My anxiety used to creep in and tell me that everyone only saw my weight, that when I wasn’t there they were whispering about it, laughing at me, having pity for me. They weren’t. And while my weight has changed and they have noticed and cheered me on each step of the way they still don’t see my weight. They see my heart, my love, my kindness, my personality; they see me. & that is what I need to remember when my anxiety try’s to creep in and make me believe any different.

Anxiety will probably always be a part of my life; but I refuse to let it control my life or deter me from pushing myself forward on this journey. ❤️

4 thoughts on “Yes, I live happily with Anxiety and PTSD. It is possible.

  1. You are beautifully and wonderfully made. A daughter of the one true king. Your heart has always shone through, and anyone who knows you at all, knows how true that is. I have always seen you from the inside, because that is the truth of a person, looks fade, weight comes and goes, what stays the same is your integrity, and your heart. I am thrilled you are winning this battle, and so proud of you, but that being said, you are loved no matter what my dear, and I have always been glad you were, and are, a part of my life, and especially Courtneys ‘. Love you honey

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    1. Thank you so much, for loving me at my worst and cheering me on through my best. I am blessed and forever thankful that Courtney and her entire family became my family so long ago and have remained all these years. And I’m so thankful I have you all to share in this next chapter of our lives. ❤️ love you!

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  2. Dezi, You have always been my blessing.. first so many years ago in elementary school with Mackenzie & Megan days in Curtis Park and now even more so with Marley!! .. you are her confidante, secret keeper, playmate, and the unconditional auntie! the one who buys her anything and spoils her rotten Auntie! Lol! The one I wish every kid on earth could have one of!! Because There are so many gorgeous woman in this world with drop dead perfect bodies who are forever lost in themselves yet wonder why they are never fulfilled! And then there are the incredibly beautiful women with souls that radiate such kindness, virtue, warmth and light, that we are blinded by their outward appearance so we can truly know what gorgeous souls really look like! Sadly, our own value is never seen theu our own eyes… As the old adage states “Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder!”.. you my dear Dezi, regardless of your insecurities or anxieties.. we can only see you from within! However you are correct … controlling the anxieties is like trying to beat out the devil… just when you feel good.. he does his best to knock you back .. as long as you continue to grow & understand the less control he can have over you! Easier said then done and Im alot older and still working on it! Never stop tho!!
    Love you with all my heart & soul! Keep the posts coming I love reading them! 😘

    The Beauty of a Woman… the poem has always been my words to you! Love you with all my heart!

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    1. Way to bring a girl to tears Momma Faith. . But they are happy tears. Happy tears for all the love you have shown me all these years. Happy tears for your endless support and always knowing you are there for me. While my anxiety is a never ending battle the love and support I have makes it so much more manageable. It’s a constant reminder that my heart has always been the same and I will always love whole heartedly. ❤️ hopefully now I will just be around longer to do so. . I’ve said it before and I’ll always say it; MarBug and all my other nieces and nephews were such a driving force for me to make this change!!! I will unconditionally love them for as long as I can. I was them to always know they can come to me no matter what! And there is nothing I love more than a FaceTime call or a text from Mar! ❤️
      I still have the magnet you got me with that poem on it!!! It hung in my locker every year!
      Love you beyond the moon and stars! 💫

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