– the above pictures were taken within 8 hours of each other. the left; I had been up all night. my entire body hurt & I was violently ill because of medicine I have to take to treat one disease. the right; I showered, pulled myself together and gave the day all the energy I had & tried to do it with a smile on my face. – so maybe I don’t look sick all the time but some times looks can be so deceiving. . . –
I’ve heard variations of the “you don’t look sick” phrase so many times. I’ve heard the whispers and snide comments from people who just don’t get it. People who have no comprehension of the constant struggles living with chronic illnesses can bring into your life. I’ve heard it said about myself and others.
I’m going to lay it all out for anyone who chooses to read this blog post. So if you don’t want to read the real, raw, some times excruciatingly painful truth it’s time for you to close out and proceed on. If you do decide to keep reading do so without an once of pity for us & do so without feeling bad for those of us fighting unseen battles- just read this and then do better; BE BETTER!
I can remember when I was three and I was diagnosed with Asthma. I went to more doctors than I can remember and finally the one who diagnosed me. . . Years later my dad told me I questioned why I had to see so many doctors and have so many tests; he told me it was because I was so special that as many people as possible needed to know me. . I still try to tell myself that’s the reason I seem to always be coming and going from doctors appointments, scans and testing, picking up new meds from the pharmacy, and leaning on loved ones to take care of me. But most days I don’t want to be that “special” person.
I could list off the plethora of health issues I’ve encountered in my thirty one years of life but this isn’t specifically about my personal trials. This is about the feelings and emotions that come for so many living with health issues, auto immune diseases and never ending sickness/pain.
There are so many things those of us living in a broken body that we want others to hear &, while they may not understand, accept.
- We often feel trapped. Trapped inside a body that physically does not allow us to be, do & love the way we wish we could.
- Some days it takes every ounce of strength we have to simply be and exist.
- We may not “look” sick to outsiders but we certainly feel the sickness with every ounce of our bodies.
- The amount of guilt we feel is sometimes heavier to carry than the illnesses themselves.
- We want to be there for all the special events in the lives of those we love.
- We don’t want to cancel plans constantly.
- We hate to ask (or be gently forced) to be taken care of, yet again.
- Our bodies feel like a jail cell we’ll never be released from.
- Tears fall, constantly. But generally not because of sadness; but because of frustration.
- You will see us out and about; smiling and laughing. However, that doesn’t mean we aren’t still in constant pain. It means we are using all the energy we have saved up to attempt to live for that one evening.
- & then we may spend days paying for it.
- Some days we can’t force a smile or pretend it’s all okay. Bare with us. Love us a little extra those days. & know when you ask if we’re okay we will say yes and we mean it. . Our okay is just very different from yours.
The list could go on and on forever trying to explain the feelings we go through on a daily basis while we live with illnesses that rob us of our time & energy. I could probably write an entire book on the bad and good. I could say and do a million things to try to make you see and feel what we do on a daily basis. But, until you live it, breathe it, deal with it, and try to cope with it every day of your life you will probably never understand it. Nor do we wish the feelings and knowledge of this hell on a single soul. . .
Please just try to accept us. Love us a little more on the bad days. & try not to give up on us. ♥️
desiree.angelica 