You see the matching nails and toes
The perfectly coordinated shoes and clothes
You see the attention to detail with the makeup on my face
The hair carefully done with not a single strand out of place.
You see the home filled with love and care
The fridge filled with drinks and food; ready to share.
You see the willingness to help and provide for all I love
The protector I am when push comes to shove.
You see the light in my eyes and love in my heart
The open door, inviting you in to be a part
. . .
But what you don’t see is the sleepless nights I toss and turn.
The tears I choke back as my eyes begin to burn.
What you don’t see is the lack of control I feel if my earrings don’t match what I have on.
The pit in my stomach agonizing over what goes with what; from dusk til dawn.
What you don’t see is the pressure I put upon myself to fit the mold I’ve created.
The anxiety I feel about doing enough for everyone that can leave me debilitated.
What you don’t see is the butterfly rash, the fever, and the swelling & pain when I’ve pushed myself for far too long. .
A defeated woman who can’t always be strong. .
What you don’t see is the darkness behind my eyes from stories I’ll never tell.
The feelings of anger and sadness from my own personal hell.
. . .
You see what I choose to show. .
Lupus is a disease I pray you never get to know
Desiree Angelica Young
I’m still here even if it’s been awhile. Sometimes life and chaos get in the way of my rambling and writing but I do always come back. . . Always. Whether people still read these words or not, they are how I personally deal with this life so I’ll forever return. . . Forever.
I’ve talked about my life with Lupus on here before with the hair loss and swelling and never ending pain so while this may seem like a repeat to someone reading this; I live with it daily so it needs to be talked about once again.
A few weeks ago I truly, wickedly, fiercely overdid it. I spent too many days not listening to my body. Didn’t get the rest it needed. Pushed it beyond its capacity. Soaked up too much sun. I threw myself into a rough flare of my lupus.
The week or so of the flare was full of swollen joints. Shooting and stabbing pain in every organ. Aches in places I didn’t know could ache. Confusion and headaches that left me feeling lost. Fevers that would not break. A butterfly rash that couldn’t be covered with makeup.
It felt like it would never end.
But it did, and I survived. 💟
I don’t say this for sympathy, or pity or expect anyone to understand. Just maybe to accept that some times after I push myself, for whatever reason, I may need to take a step back and relearn how to listen to my body. Or that maybe the next time I will have to pass on plans or outings because I don’t have the ability or capacity to deal with another week or longer of the pain and damage it can do to me; physically and mentally.
Buttttt that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t invite me, include me or that I won’t agree to push myself past the limit, yet again.
Because as much as it can and does suck when my body attacks itself I also refuse to let this or any other health issue I have going on always STOP me from living, loving and laughing with those I love and care about. I won’t let these diseases and illnesses win the war; even if they win a battle here and there. . .
desiree.angelica 