I struggle, perhaps just like you.
I have bad days out of the blue.
I look in the mirror and hate what I see.
Some times I don’t even know the reflection staring back at me.
Anxiety overcomes me once again.
Tears falling down; I scream within.
My mind is racing and my chest gets tight.
I’m wide awake; yet it’s the middle of the night.
Irrational fears flood my mind and takeover my thoughts.
I feel overwhelmed; my stomach is in knots.
My life is good and I’m truly happy but these monsters scream and take over mind.
I battle within to hit pause, then play but I still rewind.
I silently pray that this nightmare is just a glitch in the movie on the screen.
I begin to question life and what it all really does mean.
Snap back to reality and fast forward to the next day.
I have to remind myself; you can handle this, come what may.
-Desiree Angelica Young
I have always vowed to be open and honest with my blogs; so let me be 100% real here; anxiety & depression is a life long battle I will fight. No amount of weight or “good things” in this life will change that. For a million reasons I will have to face my darkest demons repeatedly in this lifetime. I have come to know and accept this.
However, that does not mean I still do not struggle with dark days. I am surrounded by some of the most amazing souls this world has to offer. People who love me and cheer me on every single step of the way. . . But some days, my anxiety and irrational fears over come my mind and I’m lost inside a dark, never ending pit of anxiety and depression.
What I have learned and taught myself is that this is okay! I can allow myself to feel this way for a short, short time and then snap myself back to reality and refuse to unpack and live in the world of my depression and anxiety. I have to remind myself constantly that a short text does not mean anger/disappointment with me & that people are busy and some times need space; not because of me but because of their own lives. I have had to learn to not take EVERYTHING so damn personal because chances are: it’s not personal!
In the past I have let my anxiety overcome me. I have allowed it to cause me so much physical and emotional pain that I could not even force myself out of bed. The changes within myself certainly did not happen over night! & yes, some days I am still that person who is lost and wondering in a sea of “what if’s” & “what have I done?”
What I can and will tell you so that even on my darkest days I am so thankful and so blessed to be surrounded by people who love me. It truly makes all the difference. There is a handful of people I will let my guard down in front of; a select group whom I will not be a tough guy in front of. Those are my people! The ones who wrap their arms around me and remind me that regardless of the irrational thoughts that I allow to enter mind mind they are there. 110%, all day, every day! They are my people!
Having weight loss surgery didn’t cure my anxiety and depression. Losing a whole person and a half didn’t silence the craziness inside my own mind. No medicine has been an instant fix. But I am a never ending work in progress. I will forever search for ways to ease my mind and calm my soul. But I will always be open for a long hug after a hard day & some one who will just be there for me at my darkest; I thank god every minute of every day that I am blessed to have people who love me; care for me; support me; & understand me. . . Even on the days I don’t understand myself!
I believe we all have our own demons and fight our own battles. Some of us will choose to fight these battles with every one watching. Others will fight these monsters alone and in their own time. But we can all win. We can all rise above and do what we personally need to do to be as happy as we possibly can.
The most important thing I can and will preach with this particular blog is kindness and acceptance. Some of the happiest people you know are fighting the hardest to remain happy; so be kind; always!!!!! ♥️