Okay; you guessed it- this blog post will be all about MEEEE.
No, I won’t apologize for that or feel selfish.
No, I’m not conceited or being rude.
However; this is MY blog and these are MY feelings about the last two years.
Two years ago I walked into the hospital to have my vertical sleeve gasrectomy. My husband and my mother teresa were by my side and waiting for me when I was done, and so many others were waiting for the text updates to know I was all good and okay once surgery was completed. Two years ago I went into surgery thinking I was prepared, physically and mentally, for all of the changes it would bring in to my life; boy was I so wrong. And while I was wrong about how it would all effect my life I have not a single regret about what choices I have made and the way I have decided to live my life now.
The number on the scale has changed but I stopped focusing on that awhile ago. I still love sharing my victories with those closest to me when I hit a new low, or gain a few pounds and am able to work it off, but two years out; the number isn’t as important to me as it was in the beginning of all this. What has become more important to me through this entire journey is; ME.
For the first 28ish years of my life I focused so much of my time and energy on explaining myself. So much time on dropping the ball on my own health as wellness to make sure every one around me was happy and good. I still think I do that; to a degree. But I absolutely and unapologetically focus on myself more now than I did before.
I have come to learn and accept that I owe NO ONE any explanation on how I decide to live and why I am doing what I am doing. This is my life. I still go to bed knowing I have done the absolute best I can at being a good friend, wife, employee, etc. I know that I have to say “no, thank you” to certain plans/activities when I need time to myself or if it is simply some thing I don’t want to attend or participate in. THAT IS OKAY!
In the past two years I have started to break down some serious brick walls I had built. I have learned to let people in, even just to hold me tight while I break down. I have had to relearn what my definition of strong is. I have forced myself to be vulnerable to those who love me without obligation.
Has this been terrifying?! You bet your ass it has been. Has it been the hardest aspect of my life?! I’d say yes, it has. Do I still struggle daily? Of course I do! However I have come to allow myself struggle.
Being “strong” is such a strange concept. Each of us have a preconceived notion of what we think is acceptable. And each of us are blessed with those in our life who are willing to break down those barriers and allow us to bare our souls to them. Cherish those rare, few individuals and allow them to help carry the burdens you have been dealt. They are your people. They are your family.
Sooooo. . My moral to this is that in the last two years. while I have lost an entire person or two, I have gained such a better understanding of who I am and where I want to be in life. I have learned to set boundaries, push myself, let myself fall apart and come back even stronger. I have built muscle and tore down walls. I have believed in myself and had days I’ve have to lean on those around me to reassure me I could keep going. I have let go of the thoughts of how I should be and learned how I have to be to protect my heart and mental health.
While is hasn’t always been easy; I would not change a single aspect of this journey I chose to embark on.
& I am still so thankful for the amazing souls who have loved me before and through this process. I know it isn’t always easy but they are amazing and continue to be the absolute best cheerleaders a girl could ask for.